


No Turning Back

by flyingtacorage



Series: Blood on the water [1]
Category: Fandom RPF, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Fluff and Angst, I'm Going to Hell, I'm so sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, there is so much angst, you'll probably hate me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-05-30 13:01:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6425059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingtacorage/pseuds/flyingtacorage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story series is for Roosterbytes, for the countless inspiration and amazing stories.</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. No Turning Back

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Roosterbytes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roosterbytes/gifts).



> This story series is for Roosterbytes, for the countless inspiration and amazing stories.

 

 He stared at himself in the mirror. The mahogany eyes staring back at him were bleak and desolate, the life and sparkle they contained had long since disappeared. His obsidian hair was disheveled and unkempt. The face in the mirror was one of a man that had lost his will to fight; it was the face of a man that was ready to greet death like it was an old friend.

He turned the hot water on and plugged the drain. He reached his hand into his front pocket and pulled out the X-Acto knife that he had shoved in there previously. He placed it on the side of the tub as he submerged his body into the scorching water; his clothing billowed out around him as he got himself comfortable.

He picked up the blade with trembling hands. He thought back to memories of laughter and looks of love from ice blue eyes; of a warm hand that fits perfectly in his and a hug that warmed his soul. He pulled the blade across his lightly tan skin, deep scarlet blood oozing up to meet the metal of the blade.

He gripped the knife and made a matching line on his other wrist. His breath hitched in his chest, the pain was unbearable. He clenched his jaw together and laid his head against the wall behind him.

           

_Sean.._

 

_Soft green tinted hair and ice blue eyes_

_A smile that lit up even the darkest of rooms_

_A laugh that made Mark feel like he was the luckiest man in the world_

 

His breath became uneven as memories of the love they had danced in his mind. He could feel a lump growing in his throat as his heart began to ache again. He had run out on the man that he loved. He had been a coward and left. He was terrified of opening his heart up to Sean, of telling him about all of his scars and the pain that he felt every night.. so he ran. He closed his eyes as he recounted how that night unfolded.

* * *

 

_They were sitting down to dinner last Tuesday night like usual. Mark had cooked homemade chili and garlic rolls. After sitting two bowls of chili on the table, he took his seat across from Sean and looked lovingly at his boyfriend._

_“How was your day sweetheart?” Sean said as he stirred his chili absentmindedly, keeping his piercing blue eyes locked on his lover's face._

_Mark shifted in his seat. Today was one of his “bad” days. He had taken a shower as soon as Sean was out of the door and on his way to work. He took his time in the bathroom, letting the searing water cascade down his body in an attempt to erase the white lines decorating his well-toned figure. A shiver trembled down his spine as the hot water faded into_ _cold._

_He sighed and turned the water off. He closed his eyes and ran his hands through his hair. Judging by the water, he had been in the shower for almost two hours. The time he spent in the shower was increasing, but to him, it seemed like the time was getting shorter. He pulled back the curtain and grabbed a towel. After quickly drying his hair, he wrapped the towel around his waist and stepped out of the tub. The air in the bathroom was steamy and hot. He sighed and opened the door to his and Sean’s bedroom, stepping inside._

_The smell of Sean’s cologne was still in the air from where he had sprayed it while getting ready for work. Mark closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. The aroma of rosemary, bergamot, and lavender filled his nose and cause a small smile to play across his lips. He loved Sean, more than anything in this world, which is why he knew that he had to leave._

_He walked to the dresser and pulled open his boyfriend’s pajama drawer. After thumbing through the clothing in the drawer, he settled for pulling on a black hoodie and light blue pajama pants. Once they were on, he made his way to the living room. The sunlight was coming through the windows and illuminating the room in a soft, warm light. He sat on the couch and pulled his knees up to his chest, the scent of his boyfriend engulfed him like a soft embrace as he buried his face in his knees._

_Mark raised his face from his knees and fumbled blindly for the remote. He wasn’t really in the mood to watch anything on the television but he was desperate for some kind of noise instead of the silence that was driving him mad. After resorting to digging through the couch cushions he found the remote and turned on the cooking channel. His mind was too clouded to care about what was playing. He absentmindedly rubbed his wrist against his leg and froze._

_The urge was back._

_He could feel the itch under his jacket sleeves. It was the itch that made him crave the release that his blade gave him. He worried his lip between his teeth and tried to focus on what the woman on the television was cooking. Did she say that she’s making a cake? Or a chicken? He shook his head and stood, his body greeting him with pops as his joints stretched and uncoiled. He made his way to the kitchen and leaned against the cabinets near the sink._

_It has been months since he gave into the ecstasy that he felt when he drug the blade across his skin. When he met Sean, the urge had been dulled. Sean pulled him from the darkness that he had sunk into after years of agony. Sean had never seen the scars that littered his body; Mark feared that if he did then he would leave like everyone else. He wasn’t sure that he could handle that this time._

_His pulled open the cutlery drawer and pulled out the knife that he kept stored in the back of the drawer. The blade gleamed beautifully in the sunlight. Mark sighed and laid it on the counter, the blade letting out a small clink as it connected with the light gray granite. He reached his arms above his head and hooked two fingers in the collar of his hoodie and pulled the black fabric over his head. The cool air caused him shiver as he laid his hoodie on the counter next to the blade._

_He shut his eyes as his hands found the handle. He shouldn’t be doing this, he shouldn’t be giving in when he had been strong for so long but he couldn’t help it. He craved the release, the feeling of the smooth steel against him pliant and soft flesh. It’s been months since he had even thought about it, what would the harm be in giving him a small cut to relieve the built up pressure?_

_He laid the knife against the inside of his wrist. The blade was cold and unforgiving. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He knew the pain was coming but it was worth it for the ecstasy that he would feel afterward. His fingers tightened their grip on the handle and he pulled it across slowly. His mind went foggy as the pain set it._

_His body froze as he heard the door locks click. What was Sean doing home this early? It’s only 11 a.m.., he shouldn’t be home until 5. Marks body felt like concrete as his eyes flew open and he stared at the kitchen doorway with wide eyes. He couldn’t bring himself to move his hand or drop the knife that he now clutched with white knuckles._

_“Mark, honey I got to come home early and I brought home some hot chocolate and a few movies!” Sean’s voiced called out happily as he rounded the corner into the kitchen._

_Mahogany eyes locked onto ice blue eyes,_

_The drinks slipped from Sean’s hands and crashed onto the pale carpet as he ran over to Mark and snatched the knife from his grasp._

_“What the fuck are you doing Mark?!” His voice was a loud and laced with anger which caused the older man to flinch back._

_“I didn’t expect you to be home so soon.” Mark’s voice was barely above a whisper as he stepped away from Sean and grabbed his hoodie. His eyes filled with tears as he stared at his feet in shame. He slid the soft cloth back over his head and rubbed the sleeve against the tiny cut on his wrist._

_“What do you mean you didn’t expect me home? Were you going to cut your wrist while I was gone? Are you kidding me?” Sean stared at him coldly; the expression on his face was unreadable._

_Mark looked up at him in shock. Why was he so angry at him for this? He didn’t understand what Mark was fighting, what he was battling every day. What right did he have to be so angry at him?_

_He turned his gaze to the icy eyes that were locked onto his face. His body was trembling from the anger that was welling up in his gut. If Sean wanted to be like this then that’s fine, two can play at that game._

_Mark’s eyes grew cold as he stepped around the small framed man in front of him and snatched his keys off of the hook. He could feel knots forming in his stomach as he heard footsteps approaching him. Mark turned his face towards the body behind him and saw Sean’s hands shaking by his sides. His eyes traveled upwards to the Irishman’s face. Tears were falling down his flushed cheeks. Mark knew that things would not be able to get fixed after this, there was no going back._

_He turned and sprinted to the door, his hands turning the knob with ease. As soon as his feet touched the concrete of the stairs he heard footsteps behind him. Mark quickened his pace and threw open his car door, barely giving himself time to get seated correctly and buckled before he put the key in the ignition and threw the car in drive. His foot slammed on the gas as his eyes caught sight of a small framed man huddled on the front lawn screaming and crying for him to come back…_

* * *

 

Mark could feel the warm tears traveling down his face as sobs made their way to his throat. The love he had for Sean was the only thing that kept him from returning to that house; to admitting to his mistakes and admitting that he overreacted. It’s was too late now, there was no point of return. The blood from his right wrist started making a puddle on the bathroom floor; the echoing sound of the drops hitting the linoleum was the only sound in the quiet room.

 It wasn’t supposed to end this way. He and Sean were going to get married and raise kids together. They were going to be a family and show to everyone that they would be amazing fathers but Mark ruined that. He turned his back on Sean and he knew that he could never forgive himself for the pain and misery that he caused him.

He could feel his body start to grow cold from the loss of blood. The feeling in his legs and feet had vanished and he could not move them no matter how hard he tried. The end was near and for once, he was not afraid. He laid his head back and closed his eyes, patiently awaiting death to wash over him and free him from this hell.

                         _Drip_

_Drip_

_Drip_

_**SLAM**_

Mark tried to open his eyes to investigate the source of the noise but his eyelids were too heavy. He doesn’t remember locking the door to his apartment when he came home but there was no way that he could possibly get up and investigate the intruder when death had him in her sweet embrace.

The footsteps were getting closer as the intruder was running through his apartment. They stopped outside of the bathroom and the stranger threw the door open. He heard them gasp and scrambled toward the tub.

 What did this stranger want with him? Why were they here? He tried to open his eyes again but they wouldn’t budge. He felt two hands reach under his arms and pull him out of the tub clumsily. Mark weakly pushed back against them; he didn’t know or want to be saved by this stranger.

 “Oh-oh god Mark..” The thick accent hit Mark like a wall of bricks. The person trying to save him was Sean.

"Mark, baby please look at me. Just talk to me okay?" Sean feverishly tried to stop the bleeding with his hands, but it barely helped. He looked down at Mark with tear filled eyes. His lips were tinted a soft blue and his once tan face had gone pale from the loss of blood.

"Someone help me!" Sean screamed, his voice cracking as sobs threatened to escape his throat. He held Mark’s body tightly against him as he called for an ambulance.

“Mark, please just hang on a little longer, okay? I know that it's hard baby and I know you’re cold. You’ll be alright, though, I promise. I’m gonna be right here with you through it all. We’re gonna get you better and we’re gonna go back to living in our home. We’re going to be a family again.” His voice cracked as the sobs he was fighting back came to the surface. He gently rocked himself back and forth while the sobs ripped through him like a rusty knife.

Panic rose in his chest as he thought that Mark was going to die before the ambulance could arrive. Sean’s grip on Mark’s wrists tightened, he was going to do everything that he could to save his boyfriend.

“Mark, just hang on, okay?” His voice was barely more than a whisper. Keeping his eyes on Mark’s chest, Sean began counting the number of breaths that he took while sirens began to wail in the distance.

 

 


	2. Strong Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ..If he ever wakes up..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the weird upload schedule. I've been extremely sick and have been kinda depressed because of it, but thanks to Roosterbytes for making me feel so much better and giving me the motivation for to continue this.

Sean was awake before the sun came up, which was quickly becoming a normal thing for him since the incident happened. He looked over at the hospital bed that his boyfriend was lying in. Mark has been unconscious for almost a week and doubts of him waking up had spread throughout the hospital staff but he knew that Mark would wake up. He had to; he owed Sean that much after everything that he did.

He sighed and looked down at his jeans. Mark’s blood was stained in ugly splotches and patterns on the fabric. He hadn’t left the hospital since they arrived; he wanted to be here when Mark wakes up.

.. _If he ever wakes up_..  

Sean shut his eyes tightly as a wave of nausea threatened to overtake him. His fingers tightened around the armrest of the chair that he was sitting in. He could still see everything from that night as clearly as if it had just happened.

* * *

 

_It took the ambulance 6 minutes to reach them. Mark was lying on the floor in a small puddle of water. Sean was clutching his hands over the wounds on Mark’s wrists as he watched his chest rise and fall with shallow breaths. Sean was counting how many times Mark breathed when he heard footsteps approaching him._

_“Let go of his wrists, we’ve got it from here.” A deep voice said gently. Sean looked up and saw a middle-aged man looking at him with pity. He released his grip on his unconscious boyfriend and withdrew to the living room as the man began wrapping Mark’s wrist in gauze._

_Sean leaned against the back of the couch and stared at his blood covered hands. This wasn’t happening to him, this was just a bad dream that he’ll wake up from. He’s going to wake up next to Mark in their bed. He’s going to see him tangled up in their gray bedsheets, lying on his stomach with his arms under his pillows. He’s going to get to admire the way the moonlight illuminates the muscles in his back as he breathes.._

_This-this can’t be happening_

_Sean snapped back to reality as they were rushing Mark out the front door on a gurney. “Hey, wait up! I’m going with you!” he yelled, running after them. He had finally caught up as they were putting him in the back of the ambulance._

_“I’m riding with him and no one is stopping me,” he demanded. His voice was rough and hoarse, but he tried to sound as composed as possible. No one objected as he climbed into the back and sat down. Under the florescent light, Mark looked so much worse. He was almost as pale as Sean was, except for the dark bags that hung under his eyes. He watched as they administered an IV of blood into his arm in an attempt to stabilize him and replace some of the blood that he had lost._

_“Are you injured?”_

_He looked up at the young woman who had spoken. She had brown hair and chocolate eyes that were 3 hues lighter than the ones that he had fallen in love with._

_“No, all of this is his.” He responded, gesturing to the blood that stained his pants and his hands. She nodded and continued to monitor Mark’s condition. He focused his eyes on his hands and the small white ring that he wore on his bird finger. Mark had given him that on the day that they moved in together. It was supposed to symbolize that neither of them would give up on each other but now all it did was make his stomach twist._

_As soon as the ambulance arrived at the hospital, they rushed Mark off to the Intensive Care Unit and forced Sean to stay in the lobby and wait._

* * *

 

He had been in this room with Mark since then. Mark’s vitals were good but they had to stitch the wounds closed on his wrists due to the size and depth of them. Sean reached forward and brushed his fingers along Mark’s hand.

  _C’mon Mark, wake up.._

He stood up and shook his head dejectedly. Maybe if he went and took a shower then he would feel better. He stood and winced, his joints and muscles ached from sitting so long. He slowly made his way to the bathroom that was connected to Mark’s room and stopped in front of the mirror. The reflection that he saw staring back at him didn’t even look like him. His hair was disheveled and greasy; his eyes were dull and bloodshot with dark circles decorating the flesh under them. When was the last time that he shaved? He ran a hand over the stubble that decorated his jaw. There was some dried blood on his cheeks and neck, though he couldn’t remember how it got there.

Sean closed the door and stripped out of the blood stained clothes. _I should probably head home and put on some clean clothes_ he thought to himself as he turned the hot water on. He didn’t linger in the shower long; it was small and smelled too much like alcohol. He turned the water off and stood silently in the small cubicle. He watched as the pink tinted water ran off of his body and down the drain. He wished that he could wash away the memories of what had happened from his mind as easily as he did his skin. He opened the shower door and grabbed a towel that hung on the wall. He ran his fingers over the fabric gently, it was coarse and unwelcoming.

  _It’s almost as white as Mark was that night._

He sunk to the bathroom floor as images from that night crept back into his mind. He squeezed his eyes shut until red and blue colors danced in front of his vision. Sean pulled his knees to his chest as sobs made their way up his throat while his fingers gripped his hair tightly as a feeble attempt to try and ground himself. This was not the life that he imagined; this was not what he wanted to go through. He wanted a normal life full of love and happiness but all that he has now is the love of his life unconscious in the next room while his hope for that bright future fades almost as fast as a bee sting.

_Inhale.._

_Exhale.._

_Inhale.._

_Exhale.._

Rubbing his hands over his face, he stood on shaking legs. Exhaustion seeped into his body as he slid his clothes back onto his body. The fabric was stiff and rough against his skin. Sean opened the bathroom door and stepped into the hospital room. The air smelled of alcohol and disinfectant.

There was a soft knock at the door as a nurse entered.

“Are you Mr. McLoughlin?” her voice was flat and monotone. Her eyes drifted up and looked at Sean questionably.

“Yes, is Mark okay?” his voice was barely above a whisper. Fingernails raked along his arm as he waited for her to speak.

“He’s stable. His vitals are good and his wounds are healing,” her eyes scanned the chart that she had in her hands. “But you need to go home and get some rest.” She clutched the chart to her chest and frowned at him softly.  

Sean stepped forward and looked at her. Her eyes were blank; she didn’t understand his need to be here. “I’m not leaving him here. I need to be here when he wakes up.” Desperation was thick in his voice.

“You need to go home and get some rest. We’ll call you if his condition changes.”

Before he had the chance to object, he felt hands on his arm pulling him from the room. She pulled him into the hallway and shut the door behind him.

“You need to take care of yourself, Sean. Staying here with him and stressing yourself to the point of no sleep is not good for you. I will make sure that you're called as soon as he makes any sign of waking up or getting worse. but until then go home." She placed her hand on his arm and smiled softly. How could she want him to leave? How could he go home and rest when Mark was lying there alone?

With uncertain legs, he made his way to the stairs. As he descended each flight, the guilt of leaving Mark alone twisted his stomach in knots. He didn't want to leave, he wanted to stay there with him no matter how long it would take but the nurse was right. The stress and sleeplessness were starting to take its toll on him, which he didn't want to admit. His body was tired and sore. As he passed the front desk, he gave a small smile to the ladies behind the counter and made his way out of the door.

* * *

 

The cool afternoon air drifted over his skin and wet hair like an unforgiving knife. He shivered and briskly made his way to the bus stop. Normally he would have walked home considering the weather but he was exhausted and he didn't think that he would be able to make it all the way home safely. The bus ride was long and noisy, but it gave Sean enough time to think and try to clear his head for the first time. The bus let him off a block from his home, which he was thankful for. He was glad to get off the bus, it was cramped and people were staring at him. 

The walk to his house was quiet and peaceful. He cast his eyes upward and smiled softly at the serene colors of the sky. Blue, purple and orange hues danced amoung the white clouds that decorated the sky. He had stood here with Mark on the day that they had gotten the house and admired the same beautiful pattern in the sky. Warmth spread through his chest as the memory filled his mind. His eyes closed as he didn't want the memory to end. A sigh escaped his lips as his eyes opened, the memory still warm and fresh in his mind. It was then, standing on their front porch under the twilight sky that he decided to be strong. He wanted to be strong enough for the man that needed him, strong enough to conquer Mark's demons, strong enough to keep them both above water. Filled with new determination, he entered their house and grabbed his car keys. Mark's old apartment needed to be cleaned and his belongings needed to be moved back to their house. Sean trotted to his car and threw one last smile at their house. 

They were going to be a family again. 

Cleaning out Mark's old apartment was the first step to getting things back to how they use to be. 

Things were going to be okay, Sean was certain of that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not liking this chapter either. I've got this story mapped out in my head but for some reason every time I write a chapter, I wind up hating it. Writers life, though, right?
> 
> Constructive Criticism is welcomed. :)


	3. Phone Call

Sean pulled up in front of Mark’s apartment a few minutes after midnight. The soft glow of street lights illuminated the otherwise dark building. He opened the car door and stepped out onto the pavement. The air was colder than before, which made him quickly shuffle to the door of the apartment. With shaking hands, he opened the door and stepped inside.

The air was stagnant and thick. His eyes scanned the living room, taking in the scenery. Empty beer bottles and take out containers littered the coffee table and mantle. Sean walked to the bathroom and stood outside of the door. The last time that he was here, he had almost lost someone he deeply cared about. With shaking hands he pushed the door opened. Blood was dried to the tile floor in messy puddles and streaks. The water was still in the tub from when Mark..

Sean swallowed and retreated to the kitchen in search of cleaning supplies. After fumbling through several cabinets he found some bleach and disinfectant. He made his way back to the bathroom with the bleach in one hand and a scouring sponge in the other.

One empty bottle of bleach and several tears later, the bathroom was clean. Sean stumbled out and took a deep breath, his body relaxing as the smell of bleach cleared from his lungs. He pulled the door behind him closed and made his way back to the kitchen. There had to be some form of trash bags in this place, right? His eyes glanced over the counters, taking in the chaos that was scattered across them. A small piece of paper sticking out from under a half empty beer bottle caught his attention. Upon moving closer, he could make out his name scribbled across the front of it. Was Mark writing him a letter?

He moved the beer bottle and took the piece of paper. Mark’s handwriting was sloppy and uneven but Sean could still make out what it said. With careful hands, he unfolded the piece of paper and began to decipher what was written.

_~~Baby~~ Sean,_

_I’m sorry for running out on you. I was angry, angry that you saw me with the knife, angry that you acted the way that you did. ~~What fucking right did you have to be angry with me?~~ I’m – I’m not angry about it anymore. I should have told you about my battle with self-harm a long time ago instead of battling it alone while you were at work. I guess it’s better late than never, huh?_

_It started when I was 16. That sounds kind of cliché but that’s when it started. High school fucking sucked dude. Like you hear all the time that it’s going to be the time of your life and that you’re going to make all of these friends and go to prom and fall in love and some of that happened but what they don’t tell you is that people are fucking cruel._

_It was almost the end of my junior year and people were starting to get all sentimental about not being able to see each other during the summer. Well, I was on my way to the band room to grab my sheet music when I hear some people in the science lab talking. Now, you know that I don’t generally spy on people but I was young and I heard my name so I decided to stand next to the door and listen._

_“Who let that half breed in our school” was one of the comments that I heard. And you know, generally, I would have brushed shit like that off but half breed? Do you know how much shit like that hurts? I just went on about my way and tried to push the conversation that I heard out of my head._

_When I got home that night I went and took a long shower, for some reason I just couldn’t shake what they said. I don’t why it bothered me so much but goddamn, it just wouldn’t leave my head. Standing underneath the water that night was the first time I cut myself. Now granted it was originally an accident, I was trying to clean my facial hair out of the razor and my dumbass self though rubbing the thing on my wrist would be the most efficient way of doing it but I was wrong. It sliced me open like I was butter._

_I stood there and watched the blood run from my wrist. The pain was so fucking bad but the..joy..that I felt was something that scared me. I felt happy that I was bleeding, that my wrist was sliced open. It was like I was on drugs Sean._

_After that day, it just became a part of me. I craved the knife, the feeling that it gave me. I wanted to feel that ecstasy all the time and as the years passed, I found myself cutting more and more. It’s like I couldn’t do it fast enough or deep enough. There was always this itch under my skin that was waiting to be released._

_That was until I met you. You just showed up out of the blue, like one day I was drowning in this sea of darkness and then you showed up. You were the brightest light that I’ve ever seen Sean. You reached down and pulled me from the depths of hell and brought me back to life. I wish I had the ability to thank you for that._

_The past year with you has been the best year of my life. I’ll admit that for a few months, I still gave into the urges. I had to; they were too strong to fight. But a few months ago, they stopped coming. Every waking moment was filled with light because of you. Your smile alone gave me so much joy Sean. You’re a fucking godsend._

_I’m just sorry that it’s had to come to this, of all things. I was never good enough for you, especially not after you found out my secret. You deserve so much better than this. You carry the heaven in your eyes and you deserve someone that can whole heartedly get lost in them._

_I love you, Sean._

_I hope you find peace and love in this world, I hope you find the man that can be worthy of you because I never was._

~~_Do you think we’ll see each other again?_ ~~

~~_The place that I’m going is somewhere that you’ll never see._ ~~

_I’ll love you until my last breath,_

_-M_

His hands were shaking as the last line processed in his head. Was this his suicide note ? He folded the paper and shoved it into his pocket, his entire body was shaking. Why did things get this bad?

Sean shook his head. There was no way in hell that Mark wasn’t worthy of him. Mark was a much better man than he ever was. He was always smiling and laughing, he always seemed so..happy… why wouldn’t he tell him of the demons that he was battling?

He frowned and continued his search for trash bags. Hopefully cleaning this apartment would be enough of a distraction from the thoughts clouding his mind. After securing some bags, he walked back into the living room.

“This place is a wreck. Did you stay drunk the entire time you were gone, Mark? Bloody hell..”

A sigh escaped his lips as he began throwing countless bottles and empty food containers into a bag.

* * *

 

It took almost three hours to completely clean the living room, dining room, and kitchen. Sean wiped the sweat off of his brow and leaned against the mantle. A soft smile played on his lips as he looked the rooms over. The apartment was cute, especially when it was clean. The color scheme of the place reminded him of home.

The house they owned together was a small little condo at the end of a quiet road. Mark picked it out because he adored the forest that lined the backyard. It took two weeks for the two of them to repaint the entire interior. The family that had lived there before them had painted the walls in various shades of red and green, which didn’t sit well for either of them.

It was their small piece of heaven.

Sean walked through the living room and down the hallway. The bedroom stood alone at the end of the short little hallway. He opened the door and stood frozen in the doorway. What was he going to find in here? What if it was more notes like the one in the kitchen?

_No no no no no.. I don’t think I can handle more of that…_

He stepped inside and sighed with relief. The room was relatively clean considering the state of the rest of the house. The covers on the bed were tangled and hanging off on one side. Mark was never good about making the bed; he claimed that a messy bed was more comfortable than one that’s made up.

Sean sat on the edge of the bed, his fingers running over the pillows. The aroma of Mark’s cologne drifted through the air. The scent of agarwood and smoke filled Sean’s lungs. He closed his eyes as he lowered himself onto the bed, engulfing his body in the scent of his boyfriend. How long would it be until Mark smells like this again?

_What if this was the last time that Sean would ever smell his cologne?_

Sean looked towards the mirror that was hanging crookedly on the wall. He saw himself lying tangled in the white sheets that adorned Mark’s bed.

_This looks so wrong. I should in our bed at home..not here trying to engrave the scent of his cologne in my head out of fear that I may never smell it on him again._

He threw his legs over the side of the bed and brought himself to a sitting position. This isn’t the end. Things will get better, he just needed faith.

* * *

 

His phone ringing in his pocket brought his attention back to the situation at hand. He shuffled it out of his pocket and answered it.

“H-hello?”

_What if it is the hospital?_

“Hello, is this Sean McLoughlin?” The woman said; her voice monotone and flat.

“Yes. This is he. Is Mark okay?” his words were rushed and running together. He laid his hand on his chest in an attempt to calm his racing heart.

“He’s _awake_ , Sean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the support everyone has been giving me for this series. Hopefully, the next part of the series will be out within the next few days (hopefully ;--;)
> 
> P.s. the cologne that Sean wears in the first chapter is Drakkar and the kind that Mark wears is John Vavartos Oud (which by the way is so fucking expensive but I like the way it smelled and it kinda reminded me of Mark so hey, here it is)

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think. It's been a while since I've written anything so I'm sorry if this is bad or doesn't make sense. I may just delete it and start over, I'm not too happy with this. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you for reading! Comments and Kudos are greatly appreciated.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Bearable](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6613654) by [Roosterbytes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roosterbytes/pseuds/Roosterbytes)




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